Losing Control
by anica891
Summary: The first time they meet Edward could not control the urges and ever since he has felt guilty for the life he forced upon Bella.
1. Chapter 1

It was all over before I knew what was happening. Around me lay the broken bleeding bodies, and in my arms, a blood soaked form. My arms twisted around her body, possessive and brutal. I could tell by the angle of her arms, that my violent embrace broke them. But not as easily as her skin had broken beneath my teeth.

Her skin, so fragile and pale, gaped, torn open in many places.

My arms began to shake. The violence overwhelmed me. Gently I placed her body on the ground. I backed away as best I could amongst the bodies of my class mates. I tried not to look at their faces but each horrified expression caught my eye, forever frozen in fear.

As my back hit a wall I slowly dropped to the ground bringing my arms around my legs. I froze, trying not to stare at the blood soaked walls and failing. My mind meanwhile was running on overdrive trying to find a way out of this mess. How was our family going to get out of this one?

Within moments my phone was ringing. I brought it out of my pocket automatically, my mind still doing loops trying to figure it out.

"Yes, Alice." my voice sounded so strange to my ears, dead.

There was a pause on the other side.

"Alice?"

"Edward." she inhaled sharply as if surprised. "No. Edward. Please tell me she is still alive." Her voice broke near the end as if she was crying.

I couldn't answer.

"Edward." Her sob came through the phone but I could also hear it through the thin wall of the building. She was just outside. No doubt she could smell the blood.

"Call Carlisle." my voice still monotone.

"Edward?"

"You can't come in. You won't be able to stay in control. Get Carlisle and keep the others away." I hung up, Calmly putting my phone back into my pocket. I was surprised my hand had stopped shaking. I brought them up in front of my face staring at the patterns the blood had made in the creases of my palm.

I was still staring at my hands when the door flung open. Carlisle gasped as he took in the destruction around me.

"Edward." He closed the door behind softly. He opened his mouth again as if to say something but nothing came out.

I was suddenly aware that I was covered in blood. From head to toe blood soaked my clothes was on my skin. Revulsion hit me, and I gagged.

"Edward." Carlisle said in a sympathetic tone. He was trying to console me. Me, the monster who killed 20 odd people in less than a minute!

He came forward slowly and knelt down beside me. "Edward. Come on we need to leave."

"Leave?" I asked incredulously. "How are we going to cover this one up Carlisle? How will we make the masses believe this was anything but a brutal mass murder psychopath? We can't blame it on animal attacks this time!" I was yelling by the end of it and I tried covering my face with my hands but blood still covered them. I started rubbing them vigorously on my pant leg but my clothes were just as soaked.

He looked at me in concern. My shame could not be more complete.

"We will burn it down." I looked up confused. "We will turn all the gas valves on and burn it to the ground. It will look like the gas was left on and everyone fell asleep then a spark started a fire killing everyone."

I had to admit it was a good plan.

He started to get up. "Come on. We need to arrange everyone as if they are sleep at their desks." He went toward the closest body, picking it up with ease. Reluctantly I got up to help him. It took little time at all to arrange them all, and finally I got to the one that started it all. I stared, unable to arrange this innocent child into the lie we were creating.

Sighing I stooped to pick up her body, as soon as I lifted her from the ground a weak, barely distinguishable groan passed her lips.

She was alive?

"Carlisle! She's alive!" He rushed to my side as I laid the girl on a tabletop. Gently he laid his head on her chest listening for the very thing I was straining to hear; a heartbeat.

"It's there, barely." He looked to me unsure. "It is up to you Edward what we do next. I never would have thought she would survive when all the rest didn't. She can live. Her heart is still beating and I have no doubt that the venom is already taking affect. But it is all up to you."

I looked down at the figure lying before me. Her body was broken, limp, the life taken right out of her. That was my fault. I took that from her. But could I let this happen, let her be cursed for the rest of her existence just because I felt guilty about killing her? Which would she consider worse; a horrible violent death or living forever cursed?


	2. Chapter 2

The car droned on. I could see the lights of Rose's car behind following closely. Her thoughts screamed her outrage over the situation. When Carlisle and I were done with the classroom we rushed into the woods as the sirens started. As we came to the edge of the woods I could see she was waiting. Jasper looked at my sympathetically as Alice clung to him heaving in dry sobs. I motioned for Carlisle to take the girl from my arms and stepped forward ready to take her wrath. She yelled and screamed and would have all but dismembered me if Emmett had not held her back.

Once she calmed down enough we worked out a more solid plan. They went back to school and joined the crowd of students looking shocked and horrified at the building on fire. Carlisle and I went home to warn Esme and have her start packing. After we dropped of the girl and I changed, we both headed back. Carlisle had worked some paperwork to make it look like I had a doctors appointment after lunch. We arrived at the scene only 45 minutes after the fire had started. The firemen were darting around the building, frantically trying to put out the flames as the students crowed around the makeshift barrier that was put up. I rushed out of the car playing my part perfectly. I ran to my siblings asking about what happened as Carlisle asked if their was anything he could do.

We stayed till the building crumbled and the firemen confirmed the worst, that all died inside. Taking my performance a step up I walked mechanically toward the front office; looking to all as if I was in shock. As I entered the receptionist looked up teary eyed from a phone list.

"Oh, Edward!" She gasped. "How are you... Weren't you in...?" She couldn't finish the sentence.

I blankly handed her the doctor's excuse.

"I had an appointment. I didn't know..." my voice broke on the last word. She looked at me with pity.

"You can't blame yourself, sweetie. You can't hold any guilt that you weren't here and they were." She got up and shuffled around the desk giving me a soft motherly hug, trying to console me.

Carlisle came in and made our excuses. And we left.

Carlisle, Esme and I road in silence. My thoughts were left to dwell on what I did, and hear everyone else's opinions about my actions.

Rose was still angry I could hear her thoughts clearly but she didn't really blame me. She was angry with me, but she understood. We all have had slip ups before.

That made it worse. The fact that she could look at me and not shudder in revulsion. That she couldn't see the monster I was. I was to blame; I was a murderer.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by a small groan by my side. The girl lay across the seat, her head in my lap. Her heart was barely beating, her breath coming in small, infrequent gasps. But I could already see that the venom had taken over. The venom would keep her alive, dragging her along through the change. Only dismemberment would stop it now. And I could not bring myself to end another life today.

But which was worse, this damned eternal life. Or death. My mind ran in circles trying to come to a solution. Save what little was left of my morals, or allow this child to die in peace.

"Son." Carlisle looked back at me. "You are not to blame. You are not a monster." I dropped my head in shame. "Look at me." He waited till I met his eyes. "You are my son. I love you and will always be here for you. Know that and know that even the most controlled vampire would find it difficult to resist the scent her blood held for you." I lowered my head again. No one should be able to love a monster.

"From my time in Italy, I know that this particular phenomenon is called 'La tua cantante" or my singer because her blood sings to you. They find it an honor to find even one such person in their lifetime and would never, could never resist such a scent. When we stop ask Emmett about his experience with this and know you are not alone."

He turned back around and watched the road pass swiftly by. He glanced over to Esme who was driving and took hold of her hand. They looked at each other for a long moment, their love for each other obvious on their faces. They were lucky they had each other. As long as they had each other they were happy, no matter where we lived or how many times we had to flee.

I looked back down at the girl in my lap. Her face pale and still. A small groan escaped her lips again and I found myself automatically stroking her hair trying to give her some comfort. Once I realized what I was doing I stopped. Moving slowly I shifted so that I was sitting on the floor of the car facing the seat and laid her gently across the back seat.

She moaned in pain again. I watched as her fist clenched. Her head thrashed back and forth for a moment. Every movement, every sound I made notice of and knew that each one would be burned permanently into my memory.


	3. Chapter 3

We arrive at a small cabin in the woods of Alaska during the dead of night. We had friends that lived nearby and this was one of Carlisle and Esme's homes. I tried taking the girl out of the car as gently as possible but she still trashed in pain. As I turned toward the cabin I could see Rose getting out of her car. She saw me staring in her direction and turned away in a huff, running off into the surrounding woods. Emmett shrugged his shoulders in sympathy, then took after her. Alice was still hiding her face in Jasper's arms and would not look at me. Jasper himself was trying not to stare at the blood on the girls shirt.

To make things easier, I rushed inside and took the girl to the one bed in the house. It was a small twin bed layered with fleece and flannel blankets.

Kneeling beside her head, I brushed her hair back. Her face turned toward mine and all I could see was pain.

I had to make myself walk calmly out of the room, instead of fleeing like I wanted to. Outside the room, Esme looked up from the chair she was perched on. Her eyes were so loving and I could see that she was worried about me.

I couldn't take it. I hurriedly went into the small bathroom down the hall and locked myself in. I leaned over the sink heaving with dry gags. I couldn't live like this. How could I carry this burden? Looking up to my reflection in the mirror for answers, I was greeted by blood red eyes.

Yelling I backed into the wall, leaving small dents in the plaster. I tore out of the room, ignoring Esme and Carlisle's concerned comments and flung myself out of the room. Once I was outside I ran. I ran harder than I ever have before, trying to get away from the monster I saw in the mirror. Snow covered pine trees rushed past me until I reached the edge of a large lake. Not hesitating I dived in swimming to the center of the body of water. Once there I held my breath and allowed myself to sink. I watched as the water around me became steadily darker. After a while it became hard for even my eyes to see through the darkness. Finally I could feel my legs hitting the bottom and I crumpled, eagerly accepting a place to curl up in my agony.

The darkness was complete. Silence rang through my ears, being that I was too far away to hear any thoughts. I let the feeling of nothing envelope over me. It was slowly taking over my body till I felt like I was part of the nothing that expanded in every direction. It was slowly taking over my mind when I heard the smallest, the quietest of sounds.

I placed my hands over my head, curling farther into myself, trying to block it out.

I did not want to feel anything. I wanted to drift off into nothing for the rest of my useless life.

But it was not to be.

Suddenly I felt strong arms circling around me; holding me close.

_You are not to blame. I love you. You are my brother. _Alice thought, till all I could hear were her thoughts of love toward me.

I pulled myself closer into her. My body was shaking with tears that would never fall.


	4. Chapter 4

When we finally surfaced, the sun was just beginning to rise. Dancing across the water, I could see the light reflected off our skin.

I looked over at Alice and she was smiling at me. "You going to be okay?"

"I don't know." I said truthfully.

We reached the shore and I could see the rest of my siblings waiting for me. They all looked at me with love and their thoughts were similarly occupied.

Without words we all came together. We didn't hug or kiss, but we all came close and stayed like that in each other's presence.

After a while I noticed my clothes were stiff and frozen and had to break the ice down. This got a chuckle out of Emmett and Jasper joined in when Alice noticed the same thing. Soon we were all laughing and heading back to the cabin.

"Those eyes are a trick, Edward." Emmett nudged me. "Haven't seen you with red eyes before. I've seen it on me and Jasper, but never you."

I looked down, ashamed again.

"Don't worry about it." Jasper chimed in. "It will fade after a couple of months. And I heard Carlisle saying we were going to be here for a while anyway."

I nodded trying not to think about it.

"Yea, and maybe we can get you some blue contacts. I think you would look well with purple eyes!" Emmett joked. Small giggles and laughs burst from everyone.

The laughs around me still sounded strained but we had made up. We were a family after all.

My laugh died as soon I came within earshot of the cabin. The almost silent groans of the girl had now turned to screams.

Acid churned through my stomach. Everyone turned to look at me with varying ranges of emotions. The worst was Emmett who looked at me with pity.

They all kept their distance, finding other things to do, but I headed toward the house.

As soon as I entered the cabin, Esme came to me and pulled me into a hug. She was shorter than me but I felt utterly small in her embrace. She pulled back and even though she tried to hide it I could see the sadness in her eyes and I could hear her thoughts.

"I know." I said to her, trying to console her. "Where's Carlisle?"

She nodded her head toward the bedroom. Turning, I took a deep breath before I entered the small space. As he noticed my approach, Carlisle looked up from where he had rested his head in his hands.

"I'll look after her." I offered. "I know this is hard for you, get out and enjoy the fresh air."

He looked at me with sadness. "You don't have to do this Edward."

"I do. This is my burden to bear. I changed her, I am responsible." He got up slowly, as he passed he searched my eyes, trying to determine what I was really feeling. But unable to find anything, he patted my shoulder and left.

I waited till I heard the door close till I sat in the chair Carlisle had just left. Turning toward the writhing form, I waited. Her screams pulsed through my ears till I was numb to anything else, just like the lack of vision and hearing under the water had numbed me.

It went on like that for 2 more days. Her screams numbing me till I was nothing but a statue, a statue of pain.

Occasionally, one of the others would come in and try to talk to me, but I couldn't hear them. My ears were for her screams only. I briefly remember someone pulling on my arm trying to pull me away but I could not be moved.

Until the last beat of her heart I watched, I took part in her pain. I painstakingly saved the memory of each scream.

Until, finally, her eyes opened and shone red as blood.


	5. Chapter 5

Bella's POV

Something was wrong. Why was I on fire? What happened?

I try thinking back. Was I always in this much pain? It certainly feels so. But if I really concentrate I can remember a time when it wasn't like this. The last thing I remember of that time was starting my first day of school in Forks. Why was every inch of my body in agony? It had started slowly but gained speed and now flames were rushing through my veins.

I screamed and tore at my skin, trying to rid myself of the flames. But they continued, not noticing my efforts. Fire and acid made a dance through my body, glass slivers were placed under my skin, I was in a continual hell, with no escape.

Why was nobody helping me? Surely someone has heard my pleas for help. Why wont they just kill me, end this agony?

At one point there was an added pain. My arms seemed to snap and a sharp pain echoed out from them. Even so, that pain was nothing like the fire.

I don't know how long it lasted, but I do know when it started to change. I noticed it immediately. The burn lessened, if only a minuscule amount; right at the very tips of my fingers.

Hope spread through me. Maybe this torture would finally end.

But my hope was short lived. I soon realized that as the pain receded it concentrated and grew more painful in the areas still left.

I cried in despair. Who could be so cruel as to put someone through this pain? I was barely aware that I was crying out "Why, why, why?" over and over again. Tears streamed down my face. But the pain would not stop. It kept receding and gaining power as it concentrated toward my heart. I could hear the rapid beats as my heart tried fighting against the inevitable. I knew without a doubt, when the pain got all the way to my heart, it would kill me.

What did I do to deserve death? I had come to Forks on my own free will for my mom. I pretended that I enjoyed it for my dad. I never did anything for myself. I should not have to endure this. My anger over the situation grew and it helped my through the last of the pain. I could still feel it but my pain raged in a similar burn, fighting back.

Finally, and surprisingly the pain ended with a last loud thump of my heart.

I knew it. I had died. My heart had stopped beating.

I wasn't sure what was supposed to happen next. What did one do when they were dead? I couldn't see anything but I was definitely somewhere. I think I was laying on a bed. I could smell scents I never knew existed. Something warm and soft was under me. I don't know how I knew but I was pretty sure I was in a very small and cozy room.

But as soon as I was aware of that, I was also aware that I was not alone.

I opened my eyes.

Everything around was in sharp focus. I could even see individual dust specks. I was slightly distracted by the clarity of everything I saw. However, a slight shift next to me reminded me that I was not alone. Before I knew I made the decision I was out of the bed and standing as far from the unknown person as possible. My movements were so fluid and instant; nothing like my normal clumsy gait.

The grace of getting out of bed had distracted me again, but another shift brought my focus back to the other person. He was standing, being very still, except to breath. I felt like I knew him from somewhere but I couldn't remember where. His face was... beautiful. I could not describe it any other way. It was angular and looked like it was sculpted for a god. His hair was a bronzey brown color and was perfectly disheveled. But something was off. As I looked into his calm face, I noticed his eyes. They were bright red.

Instantly I shifted into a crouch and a growl erupted from my throat. Why did I do that?

I wasn't sure why this was my automatic reaction but I wasn't going to stop now. I kept my eyes on him as he slowly brought his hands up in a sign of peace.

"Bella?"

His voice rang through my body. I instantly calmed and felt safe with him. I stretched back into an upright position.

"Yes?" I smiled.

"Do you remember anything?"

I tried think back, but all I could remember clearly was the pain. Except; there was something there. Something that poked at my subconscious. I knew I should know who this guy was.

"You are Edward Cullen." I state with perfect confidence.

Author's Note:

I wont often do Bella's POV. I much prefer to write in Edward's but I feel like this was necessary for the story. I can't promise that I'll only write in his POV from now on but I can promise that it will mostly be in his view point.

P.S. Please review I love input to my stories and want how you think I'm doing.


	6. Chapter 6

"You are Edward Cullen." She sounded sure and confident. I was already amazed by her grace as she came out of her crouch, but when she said my name something jolted through me. Her voice was like music.

But this was not what I should be concentrating on at the moment. She was a newborn I had to be extremely careful.

"Bella."

"How do you know my name?" She stops me.

I don't know how to answer this.

"Where am I? I thought I was at school."

How do I tell this girl that I killed her and cursed her to damnation. Sighing I pinch the bridge of my nose. She is watching me curiously, her head tilted to the side. Something is off and it's unnerving me. Why is she so still?

Brushing of the feeling I try to explain.

"Bella. I have done something unforgivable." She just continues to stare. How can I explain this? "Do you notice anything different about yourself?" I try to start simple.

She looks down and stares at herself.

"I see." she states vaguely. "I am like you." Suddenly she is by my side. Her arm reaches out and touches my skin, stroking my arm. Electricity pulses through me. "Your skin is pale and hard like stone but not like stone. So is mine." Her hand continues up to my face and she glides her fingers by my eyes. Touching the circles under my them she pauses. "Your eyes are red. Are mine?"

She is so calm, it makes me shiver.

As I do so she takes a step back and removes her hand. "What are you?" Fear has entered her voice for the first time. She looks down at her hands. "What am I?" she whispers. Dread has filled her voice.

"Are you thirsty?" the question is out of my mouth before I can think. Maybe, I can explain after her natural instincts shows her what is now her fate.

She looks back at me confused, then her hand is at her throat. "Yes. It burns. Why?" she looks even more frightened and she looks like she is about to cry.

"It is part of the change. Come, I'll explain after we satisfy your thirst." I reach out my hand. I shouldn't presume that she would want to hold my hand, but for some reason I hope that she does.

With barely any hesitation she takes my hand and I am leading her out of the room. My family had the good grace to not be around for this moment and the house is empty. Bella immediately starts going toward the sink in the small kitchen. I decide to humor her. If she can come to the conclusion herself it might be easier than me outright saying it.

Following her lead I bring out a glass from a cupboard and hand it to her. As she fills up the cup I can see her face becoming confused. Once she is finished she brings it to her nose and sniffs it. A grimace passes her features. "What is that smell?"

"The chemicals the humans use to remove the waste." She looks at me again, and her eyes burn through me.

"I don't think I'm thirsty for this. I look at it and all I can think is 'disgusting.' Why?" Her head tilts and she stares at me waiting.

"It is because you are thirsty for something else. Let me show you." I take her hand again and I am surprised by how natural it feels to hold it. Leading her outside I take a deep breath searching for a scent.

"Oh!" I hear her gasp.

"What?" I turn to her anxious.

"The stars! They are so clear. Why can I see everything so much better than before? It is like I lived with a veil over my eyes my whole life." I smile. Her head is tilted toward the sky and her eyes search the heavens. How is she doing this? She is so calm. Her body should be demanding blood but she is standing contently, star gazing.

I laugh. This is not how this was supposed to happen. She is so baffling!

She is staring at me now. "Come on. Let's go." I smile.

I have found the scent of a pack of wolves. I am glad her first meal wont be something boring, like penguins. I lead her closer and soon she has picked up the scent. Her body starts taking over and follows it's natural instincts.

Her body is low to the ground, crouched, as she stalks the prey. Without hesitation she leaps and take down the biggest wolf, attacking it's throat, going for the soft flesh underneath. As I watch, pain spreads through my chest. I did this to her. I cursed her to this life.

I barely notice as she finishes. She has dropped the body and has straightened from her bent position over the lifeless form. Blood covers her chin and is dripping onto her clothes.

"What did I just do?" She is looking at her blood soaked hands in horror. "I just drank... blood."

I can't seem to speak. My dead heart is aching for her lost soul.

"Am I a vampire?"


	7. Chapter 7

"I don't understand." Bella had sat down and was putting her head in her hands. As she was doing this she noticed her hands were still covered in blood. She started frantically grabbing handfuls of snow and started scrubbing the blood from her hands and arms. "The blood isn't coming out." She looked up to me pleading. "How do I get it out? It's not coming out!" She was yelling by now and was scrubbing at her skin so hard that if she was still human she would have torn her skin right off.

I moved myself as close as I dared and sat down. Reaching over I grabbed her hands and held them still. I wanted to look into her eyes, but I couldn't make myself. This was my fault. And I told her just that.

"Bella this is nothing that you have done. This is all me. I have done this." As I admitted my shame, she snapped her hands from mine. I finally looked up into her red accusing eyes.

"You did this to me?" She seemed confused. "Why? What did I do?"

My heart broke. She thought this was her fault.

"This is nothing to do with you. I am to blame. I could not control myself." I started talking, and couldn't stop. Before I knew it my whole life story was out. Everything I could remember from the time of my change.

By time the last of my story slipped from my lips in a rush I was the one with my head in my hands. I couldn't bear for her to see my face, to see the shame and guilt that was spread across my face.

A long moment stretched between us; the silence colder than the wind that brushed across my face.

"What am I going to do about Charlie? And Renee? How am I going to explain this to them?"

A rustle sounded behind us, and I turned to see Carlisle behind me.

"Bella." She looked up at him. "I am Carlisle and I am Edward's father." He held out his hand to help her up. "I am very sorry for the pain you are going through right now. But I want wanted to officially welcome you to our family."

_Let me take it from here, Edward._ He glanced swiftly at me and I nodded.

"I understand you have some questions." He gently led her away.

Sighing I dropped my head into my arms. I stayed like that for a while; my arms wrapped around my legs and my head resting in the crook of my arm.

_It will all turn out fine._

Alice was standing right in front of me. Her eyes were sincere.

"How do you know?" I asked not because I didn't think she knew but because I need the comfort.

Smiling she folded gracefully beside me. She wrapped her arms around me. "You are a great guy and you will figure this out."

"What am I supposed to do?" I looked over to her.

"What you always do. Be the great man you have always been. We will help. She will make it through this, and adjust to this life."

I can't see how this will be right and Alice is covering her thoughts so I can't see her visions.

Which is why I was shocked when Bella suddenly appeared. Carlisle was right behind her. He looked at me confused and shrugged.

"My family thinks I'm dead." She waits for me to say something. Anything. But I can't. "I can't see my Dad or my mom ever again. Or anyone else I knew in my life, again. You took everything. I am technically dead. And I will have to live off blood for the rest of my life. All because you couldn't control your hunger?"

I couldn't say anything. Standing I tried to think of anything to say that would make this better. My mind was blank, except for the thoughts around me, encouraging me to talk. But all I could think of was how my eyes glowed red with her blood.

I looked into her eyes, pleading with my own, trying to get her to understand the pain I felt for her. Trying to convey the guilt that weighed me down till I felt glued to the ground.

She eyes only responded with accusation. When I stayed silent, her eyes flashed, then she slapped me.


	8. Chapter 8

"He can't even come up with an excuse. He is just standing there." Bella accused as Rose lead her away.

She had come when she heard Bella yelling and screaming after she hit me. A small smirk was barely hidden on her face and I knew she was happy how this had turned out. But she still felt bad for me and made a move to lead Bella back toward the house; making assuring noises, and agreeing with her.

I still had my hand across my cheek where she had slapped me. Initially, I had raised it to my face in surprise but I kept it there to hid the small crack that had appeared. It started at my lower jaw and extended up to my ear.

I did not want Bella to see.

As she grew out of earshot I lowered my hand and I could hear Carlisle gasp as he saw my face.

"Edward! Are you okay?"

I barely heard him. I was numb. My mind could not process how my life turning out. Carlisle came toward me and started probing around the crack on my face. Evidently, my body was still processing pain because I winced. But my mind did not register it, and I moved to brush Carlisle's hand away.

"Please." I looked to him. "Don't."

I started walking away, unsure where I was going. But I knew I could not stay here.

"I have to go, Carlisle."

"What? You can't. What about Bella? She'll need you here to help her through the transition." He stepped in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"The last thing she wants is for me to stick around. She will be fine. Alice and Rose can help her." I shrugged around him continuing into the snow.

"Where are you going?"

I stopped unsure. "I don't know." I turned to him pleading. He needed to understand that I could not be here. I could not witness this girl's pain anymore.

"Go to Denali. Stay close in case you want to come back." I raised and eyebrow at him. "In case we need you to come back." He corrected.

I nodded and took a moment to get my bearings. Then I started to run.

I ran as fast as I could to get away from the family behind me. My mind was broken, my emotions shattered. I did not want to bear this burden anymore.

Carlisle had a good idea, when he suggested the Denali clan, but was not going to go. I couldn't bear their questions?

What was wrong? Why was I there? Why were my eye red?

Instead I ran north. I ran and ran and ran; not stopping. I could not bear this pain, so I ran from it.

When I came to an ocean I swam, when I came to land I ran. When I smelled the enticing smell of humans I went in the opposite direction.

And my eyes grew dark.

I would not let another drop of blood; whether human or animal, pass my lips.

I could hear a constant ringing for a while. It might have been the cell that still lay in my pocket. Was it my family? I never knew. I did not answer. And soon it stopped, when the battery died away.

Occasionally, a group of nomads would find me and try to converse with me, but I ignored them and continued running. Some tried to keep up with me and see if I would eventually open up. But all left in the end; thinking me crazy and broken.

And they were right.

I was haunted by the thoughts of my past victims. Their terror swam through my mind, their last thoughts of pleas for mercy and pain. Screams echoed in my ears.

All those thoughts swimming, swimming, swimming through my brain.

All except one.

Hers.

She had no thoughts. They eluded me. They escaped my powers. They drove me mad.


	9. Chapter 9

Slowly I became aware of movement around me. What happened? Where was I? I felt the earth beneath me and concluded that I was laying on the ground. Gradually my memories came, reminding me that I had laid down after weeks, months of running, too weak to continue. Now someone was walking toward me, a voice was asking me something... what were they saying?

"Hey. Hey are you okay?" I could barely hear them as they shuffled closer. It wasn't until they were right next to my head, when the leaves crunched by my ear did I smell it. Human blood.

My eyes snapped open as I flung myself as far from the person as I could get. I wasn't able to get nearly far enough before my body slammed against a tree. I was in the woods, surrounded by tall pines. The woman in front of me looked at me with brown eyes, concerned and frightened. She should be. I could see the monster reflected in her eyes, and I barely kept him in control.

She reached toward me, calmly. "Sir, It's okay. You're gonna be okay." She took another slow step toward me.

"No!" I roared. "Stay back." I growled.

She faltered and fear made her stumble back a few paces. Good. She did not realize the danger she was in. Inside my mind I raged war against the monster.

The smell of her blood still swirled in the air around me. And I could hear her heart pumping, almost too loudly, her blood rushing through her veins. I caught myself shifting into a crouch, and bolted upward.

But I was so weak, my body slumped against the tree behind me.

I needed blood.

"Please. Leave." I begged. My voice coming out as a rough cough.

"You don't look so good. Let's go back to camp and get you some help. You look like you've been stranded out here for some time." The concern in her voice astounded me. I just growled at her and she wanted to help me. She started walking toward me again, more determined.

"No!" I shoved my hands toward her, warding her off. "I said stay back." But she didn't listen, she came resolutely forward. I was running out room but more importantly of saved air and didn't want to risked breathing and smelling her blood again. She was in arms reach before I was able to gather enough strength to get away. I went the only way I was sure she could not follow, up the tree. I moved fast enough that she was confused for a moment, not sure where I went. But I wasn't able to keep from making noises as I maneuvered up the tall pine and her head whipped up in time to see me scuttle to the other side of the tree.

"Hey, It's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you." She started walking around the trunk trying to get me into view, but I kept circling around, hiding from those eyes that held concern for me.

We continued like this for a while till she sighed and sat at the base of the tree.

Pulling off a backpack she rustled through the contents and pulled out a granola bar. She broke it in half and taking the half inside the wrapper she wrapped it back up and leaning over, gently placed it on the other side of the tree trunk. Then she took out a book and started nibbling on the other half.

I waited for a while hoping she would leave. I was too weak to jump to the next tree and get away. And I could not go back down in fear of hurting her. My body was already demanding her blood, if I got close enough to feel her warmth it would be too much.

I waited as she finished her meal and she waited, listen for me to start mine. But I was determined. Finally, as the sun crept close to the horizon she sighed and getting up she pulled her backpack back on.

"If you need help, our camp is 2 miles SW of here. She pulled a sweatshirt out of her bag and a flashlight. Folding it gently she placed the shirt on the ground and put the still uneaten half of the granola bar, a flashlight and a bottle of water. "We are having burgers tonight by the fire. I really hope you'll join us." Then she walked away.

It wasn't until her steps faded into the distance that I dared inch down the tree. Being careful not to step on the gift left at the base I backed away from the offering. I did not deserve such kindness. I was about to flee when I saw a small note tucked into the collar of the sweatshirt.

I carefully took it out and not needing the flashlight, I read the small note.

_Being lost is not about where you are, it is about how you perceive yourself. You do not need to be lost. You do not need to be alone. _


End file.
